Are You Watching?

Sorry to sound rude, but are you there this morning God?

I'm shaky. Droopy, tired. I haven't had enough to eat. I don't feel  happy. I need a shower. I have so much to do, but I have no idea where to start. So I'm writing. This helps.

When I'm flailing around, managing the chaos, like I was this morning, I wonder if you are watching. I wonder if you approve of the job I'm doing. Being a mom has felt like a climbing Mt. Everest today. With an 80 pound pack and no water.

You are my Father, so you must be watching out for me, right? I'm sorry to say this but I feel so isolated, like no one notices the floors I swept, the crap I shuffled around, the hair I brushed, the dishes scrubbed, the dogs fed. I'm not laughing today, not making jokes. Today feels heavy.

I know, I know, I'm supposed to have faith. I should know you are there. So could you please respond quickly?

Did you see the careful plan I made to get my hyperactive defiant child into the car? Did you see me smile at my children? Did you see how carefully I controlled my voice when the kids were screeching in response to my boy grabbing toys, throwing things, spilling things, running, shrieking, refusing to put on clothes, refusing to do anything-- out of control. You noticed how I felt-- right? My insides were bubbling, my chest was tight, air was stuck inside of my body, I wanted to run outside and keep running. I wanted to hit that punching bag on my patio really hard. I was not feeling good. Not good at all.

I smiled though as I drove my SUV into school. Even had a little lip gloss on. Moms driving by might have thought I had things all together. Ha! If only they knew.

Thank you God for helping me get my kids to school today. For their hugs despite the chaos. For their twinkling eyes and their smiles. Thank you for teachers with open ears, listening to my little ones thoughts, and making them feel loved. Thank you for sisters who chatter with me on the phone, centering my world, making it slow down. Thank you for husbands who write me love notes in the morning, confirming that the world is a good place.

I'm going for a run now. I'm going to run fast and far. I'll feel better.