Maybe You Listen to People Like Me

Lord, forgive me! I'm so sorry that I am not very eloquent with my prayers. I hath not the correct background to write thee. But word has it that you listen to people like me, anyway. In fact, I have heard that the more honest I am with you, the better. I hear you already know everything I'm thinking. Before I think it. Oh Lord, I'm in such big trouble!

As you know, today I don't feel particularly grateful. In fact, I wouldn't mind slipping right out of that sliding door by my bed right there and running off to have a nice time all by myself. Sipping wine under a tree. All day. Didn't Jesus do something like that? (Minus the wine.) You know I won't do it though. I'm not dressed right. So off I go, limping, hair in a tangle, into the kitchen to start the morning craziness. Getting everyone fed and ready for church.

In all honesty, Sundays are not a sabbath for me in any way! Forgive me. Sundays are a day when my husband and I start with the delusion of a day "off", but everything seems to be turned on-- HIGH. You know what I mean? Like I fantasize about sleeping in, soft, classical music playing, the smell of coffee tickling my nose. In my dreams, I saunter into the kitchen to eat waffles with whipped cream. I giggle on the phone as I chat with my sister. Or that best friend (Since having kids, I don't have any time for best friends...you know that Lord.) I dream of a Sunday morning just like the pictures I see on Facebook.

But Lord why do I hear kids shrieking as I duck below unidentifiable objects lobbed over my head? I spin around to catch a cat escaping through a door left ajar. My feet stick to the carrot juice someone half-drank, drizzled across the floor. My vacant face and pulsating head choke out a plea to "lower the voices, please." I attempt to focus on my sweet, large husband leaping around, eyebrows raised, trying to make sense of the chaos. Lord, can you please tell my children that I am in charge? I mean, after my husband of course.

Is it OK that I'm back in my bed, hiding underneath the pillow? Because I feel kind of guilty. I hear guilt is a sin. Damn.

Lord, even though this day hasn't started out in any way like I think it should have started-- not according to the parenting or marriage books, not like the movies or tv shows, not churchy (remember how that pastor told me I should be?), and not at all like the Facebook posts (sorry to be repetitive.) Could you show me what to do? Because I think you are pretty amazing, and I love my kids and my husband in a way that hurts. Often. I would never want to do this day without them. Plus I live in Marin... God, why in the world would you put a sinner like me in Marin? You know I know I don't deserve any of this.

Now that I have had a moment, I feel like I could do almost anything today. Lets go! Oh I get it, you are trying to make me laugh. And admit that I am in need of you, Lord.

Thanks be to God.